Got grief?
Whether it’s losing a pet or a loved one, going through a divorce or longing for a life that is no longer, grief is something we all go through. But those in prison may suffer an even greater number of griefs that, if left undealt with, can result in anger, violence, substance abuse and other negative consequences.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. Get to know Prateek “Teek” Bhargava, and he’ll tell you how a program known as the Grief Recovery Method helped him learn how to overcome grief by giving him the tools to promote healing.
And it’s all thanks to two southern Californian women, Amanda Sherlock and Mona Rahimi, who conduct Grief Recovery Method workshops at the California Men’s Colony (CMC), which is located in San Luis Obispo and is where Bhargava is incarcerated.
The Grief Recovery Method is an eight-session course that teaches participants how to process the emotions that cause grief-inflicted pain. It is taught by Certified Grief Recovery Specialists, like Sherlock and Rahimi, and workshops are offered in more than 43 countries on every continent but Antarctica. The Grief Recovery Handbook, on which it is based, has been translated into 19 languages.
Few prisons offer Grief Recovery Method programs
Although the Grief Recovery Method can change the lives of those who are incarcerated and the culture in which they exist, few prisons actually offer it. Sherlock and Rahimi were inspired to do this work after major losses of their own. Sherlock went through a divorce and lost her beloved dog. And Rahimi lost her seven-year-old son and almost lost her own life in a house fire.
It’s their sharing of their own losses and grief that encourage the members of their groups at the CMC to open up themselves. The two women are currently leading their sixth CMC cohort. And they’ve had a profound effect on the lives of many of the participants.
Take Bhargava for example. As he explains on a YouTube video that highlights the benefits of the program:
The concept of grief as we were told in our earlier years is that grief is about death, loss and losing a loved one. The concept of grief for me transformed as I took this group. It made me realize that grief is in various forms in our lives. As little as losing your freedom, losing your friends, not being able to make a phone call. And those little things that we think are small compile over time. And if it’s not processed properly that grief stays within ourself, and it manifests negatively in our day-to-day lives.
And he goes on to say later in the video:
The entire world is grieving. It is inevitable. Loss is part of life. When the ladies come in and share their experiences, share their stories, it gives us courage. It gives us an opportunity to open ourselves up to strangers. It builds a connection that is extremely important in the system.
It doesn’t matter whether who you are in the Grief Recovery Method. It doesn’t matter if you’re rich or poor. It doesn’t matter your denomination or your orientation. What matters is that grief is real. What matters is that everyone in that room is valued and heard.
Rahimi explains her beliefs about grief and how it effects people.
“We try to switch from our intellect to our heart because when we’re grieving our heart is broken. At some point it’s going to boil, and it’s going to explode,” she says. “I sat with my anger long enough it told me its name was grief. Unrelieved grief turns into anger, and anger turns into things like violence or drug abuse.”
How the Grief Recovery Method program works
In the first session of the Grief Recovery Method program, participants are given a copy of the Grief Recovery Handbook, which complements what they will learn in the program.
Also, in that session they learn to share with each other.
“What is so powerful is that we sit in a circle and ask them to tell us about two of their losses,” says Rahimi. “We start with our losses. Then we hear ‘Since you share, we are willing to share as well.’ I hear that from a lot of them.”
The initial weeks are intended to create an environment where the men can trust each other.
“The course is exquisitely designed. The first three weeks they’re settling in, being comfortable, being safe, getting to know each other,” says Sherlock.
And as the weeks go on, the CMC participants dig deeper into grief and the process of dealing with it.
“One of the beautiful things that this program does is to help people realize what’s not working,” says Rahimi. “We give them the tools that are going to work. What will complete their relationship with their pain.”
Focus on one relationship
Much of the work in the final weeks focuses on a single relationship.
“We go through the losses, and they choose one relationship to work on. It could be the most painful one,” Sherlock says. “They look at that relationship and what they can work on in the relationship. The final step is writing a letter to the person (they have the relationship with) that they read to someone who is their partner. However, the letter is never sent to the person, because it’s written to clear the heart of the author.”
That partner is trained to be, what they call in the Grief Recovery Method, a heart with ears. They listen but don’t say anything.
“They get to be really good listeners. They didn’t understand the beauty and the sacredness of listening until they do this class,” Sherlock says. “Participants learn how to deal with grief, but they also learn how to listen. Really listen.
“We’re building a community in the prison where people can be heard. The heart with ears.”
Most incarcerated people have few opportunities to talk about painful experiences without being judged, interrupted, advised or expected to “tough it out.” The program teaches something remarkably simple: how to listen.
Increasing the program’s presence in prisons
Although more than 1.5 million people have completed the Grief Recovery Method worldwide, it remains a rarity in prisons. Sherlock says it’s mainly due to funding – or a lack thereof. And it’s difficult to find other Grief Recovery Specialists to volunteer their time in an incarcerated setting, because many Specialists present programs on a fee-basis, not pro-bono. In addition, the remote location of many prisons adds significant time and expense to the endeavor.
Sherlock had the opportunity to take over WonHeart, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization to financially support their efforts, and buy the books and supplies she needs for the program. But fundraising has been a challenge. She raised some money from a birthday fundraiser on Facebook and from some local savings and loans but not enough. A grant she wrote for funding from the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation (CDCR) didn’t get approved. She would like to expand the program to more facilities, but the finances are holding her back.
Grief is part of reentry
For someone who is incarcerated, grief can take many forms. It can be the loss of freedom, family, relationships, opportunities or the life a person once imagined for themselves. Some losses may have occurred long before incarceration; others happen while a person is behind bars. Yet those losses do not necessarily disappear with time.
The Grief Recovery Method offers participants an opportunity to recognize those losses, talk about them and learn tools for moving forward. In doing so, it addresses something that can easily be overlooked in conversations about rehabilitation and reentry: the emotional weight people may carry with them as they return to their families and communities.
Reentry begins before release. It is about more than finding a job or a place to live. It is also about being able to imagine and build a future that is not defined by the past. It is about learning to accept and believe that you are more than the worst thing you have ever done. For some people, that may begin with having a place where they can finally talk about what they have lost, be heard without judgment and begin to heal.
